I don't know how to start this entry actually. I didn't plan to write this at the first place. Tapi dah alang-alang terbukak tab 'New Post' tu, aku tulis jugak lah. I'll let my other side of mind to do the writing this time.
I'm a different person at home and I have split personalities, I guess. People may think that I'm actually a happy go lucky person, a person who smiles all the time etc. but deep down inside, I don't even recognize my own personality. If you ask me what type of person I am, I am going to say that I'm actually a very sensitive person. A small thing could ruin my mood for the whole day. Saya memang anak ibu. Darah sensitif ibu tetap mengalir dalam darah saya, sebagai anak sulung. I hide that feeling well kan? When people do something or say something that I hate, I pretended to stay happy and act like nothing matters but deep down, Ya Allah, you don't know how heart broken I am. I act like I have no problem and I act like I'm strong whatever shit but when the moment comes, I'll cry alone in a corner of my room. But seriously, I am not the vulnerable type of person. I don't cry because of little things, just so you know. One thing, I'll cry if I'm mad and I'll cry if I'm too sad or feeling alone in this world. If you can make me cry, I want to congratulate you over here. Anda telah menyebabkan saya buat perkara yang saya jarang buat. Applause for you. But when that time comes, don't ever try to stop me because I'll end up crying like there's no tomorrow.
I'm the type of person who says the word 'Sorry' first even if it is not my fault. Entahlah, tapi saya memang tak suka nak panjang-panjangkan cerita. In certain problems, only the simple word, 'Sorry' is needed, betul tak? Tak semestinya kalau kau mintak maaf dulu maksudnya kau salah, kan? But, I think this is my problem. When I keep saying sorry to people, people start to step on my head. When I'm mad or something, they won't care because they know that I'm the one who will end up to clear things up first. Sigh. Dalam masalah ni, aku bukan orang yang cepat marah dekat orang lain tapi bila balik rumah je, mula lah aku emo dengan baran tak tentu pasal. Sesiapa yang duduk dekat dengan aku memang kena sembur habis-habisan. My two younger sisters are my victims most of the time. I'm a bad sister right? I failed to show a good example to my sisters. I'm just an ordinary homo sapien in this planet and sometimes, I can't control my feeling. I feel bad, really really bad in fact. I screamed at them, I scolded them, etc. just because of the small mistake that they both did. Dear sisters, I promise I'll try to change this attitude of mine. I promise I'll try to control my anger. Both of you don't deserve everything I did, seriously. I shall take the blame on me. Even if the sentence, "I hate you." come out from my mouth, I know that both of you know that I didn't mean it, kan?
Another one thing before I call it an entry, I think I have to learn to say no to people instead of yes, all the time. I have to stop thinking about others and I should think about myself too. This is the time when I have to be a little more selfish. I care about the people around me and I love them so much. I talk about them everywhere and I'm proud to have awesome people just like them. To put it into a much more simpler words, I care about people all around me. But one thing that I want the whole world to know is when the moment that I stop caring, the person should be worried because I definitely won't turn back.
One step at a time and InsyaAllah, everything will be fine. Doa Fatin, doa. Even if you're standing alone, just remember that Allah is with you all the time.