Thursday, April 11, 2013
Insecurities




in·se·cure  (ns-kyr)
adj.
1. Not sure or certain; doubtful: unemployed and facing an insecure future.
2. Inadequately guarded or protected; unsafe: A shortage of military police made the air base insecure.
3. Not firm or fixed; unsteady: an insecure foothold.
4.
a. Lacking stability; troubled: an insecure relationship.
b. Lacking self-confidence; plagued by anxiety: had always felt insecure at parties.


Before that, I have a few questions for you :
1) Have you ever felt like you're not as pretty as everyone else?
2) Have you ever felt like you're not as skinny as everyone else?
3) Have you ever felt like you're not good enough for someone?
4) Have you ever give up on something because you think you can't finish it?
5) Have you ever had a guy/girl who makes you feel so insecure about yourself?
6) Have you ever compared yourself to your crush's ex boyfriend/girlfriend?

I'm a girl & honestly speaking, I get really insecure at times. Well, it happens right? Lagi-lagi as a girl. We see perempuan-perempuan cantik setiap hari, setiap masa, lagilah aku rasa insecure. I go on Tumblr and see those beautiful pictures of young ladies on my Tumblr dashboard. Insecure lagi.

Now let me tell you my story. It happened quite recent jugaklah. The other day, UiTM Kuantan ada organize annual dinner for the foundation students. It was definitely an event yang semua orang tak nak miss, since it will be our last chance have fun sama-sama as pelajar asasi. At first, I can't decide whether I should go to the dinner or not. Why tak pergi? Senang je jawapan dia, I feel so insecure about myself. Thanks to a few friends of mine, they persuaded me to go, telling me that I have nothing to be insecure about. Lepas dah pujuk rayu semua benda, I decided to go to the dinner. Plus, I am one of the committee members, so macam tak syok lah kalau tak pergi event sendiri kan?

Everything went well that day, from pagi sampai petang. I was so excited for the dinner because I was very sure yang I'm going to have fun on that night. Bought my dress, my shoes and a few barang keperluan yang lain. Everything was running smoothly, until lepas Maghrib. The event was scheduled to start at 8pm. Lepas Maghrib tu, I changed into my dress & stood in front of the long mirror. I swear to God I feel like crying masa tu. Those thoughts start masuk perlahan-lahan dalam kepala aku. 

"I am not pretty as orang lain. I look terrible. I think I should lose weight. How am I going to lilit my shawl? No, I can't do this. Look at the rest, they are so pretty, they look so beautiful in their dress but what about me? I'm not as pretty as they are. You know what, screw it, I am not going to the dinner." 

Yup, that was exactly apa yang ada dalam kepala aku. I have only 30 minutes to bersiap lepas Maghrib hari tu and aku macam ada tekanan emosi. I was so close to crying, trust me. I was shivering in front of the mirror and I didn't talk to anyone at all. At this one point, my friends semua berkerumun keliling aku, asking me whether I am okay. I told them that I changed my mind, tak nak pergi dinner and aku kena marah kat situ jugak. My friends tried their really best to persuade me, to make me feel confident with the way I look. Gila apa dah bayar mahal-mahal, dah beli baju semua benda, tup tup tak pergi dinner sebab insecure? Memang masalah dunia. Aku try tarik nafas banyak-banyak, and then baca surah Al-Insyirah a few times. Alhamdulillah, aku rasa okay sikit after that. Takdelah hilang terus segala ke-insecure-an aku, tapi I felt much better lah daripada awal-awal tu. I looked at my reflection in the mirror, smiled and cakap dekat diri sendiri yang everything is going to be okay, everything is going to be fine bila tiba-tiba Izyan ambik gambar aku. Maka, terhasil lah gambar di atas ya adik-adik sekalian. Hahahahaha.

My best friends know that I can be really really insecure at times. Bukan insecure je, perempuan paling paranoid dalam dunia ni pun bagi je lah dekat Fatin Hanani. Paranoid, insecure, memang semua aku sapu habis ah. Aku cepat cuak kalau ada benda-benda or kerja yang tak settle lagi. Nature aku memang macam tu. Since aku tak sempat nak shopping clutch, aku mintak tolong Azura pos kan clutch dia. A few days before the annual dinner, the package arrived. Bukak-bukak je kotak tu, this was the first thing yang aku nampak:


... and I literally cried on the spot. That girl knows me too well. I can never hide anything from that perempuan. If aku hide apa-apa pun, lambat laun dia akan tahu jugak. Sometimes I hate myself for telling her everything sebab aku sepatutnya kena ada secrets yang aku simpan sorang-sorang but I have none. Semua benda A sampai Z, Azura tahu. Pssss, kalau nak tahu rahsia saya, sila culik Azura Abrar :P  Dia pun selalu terpaksa melayan insecurities aku. Hehe, I love you Azura, saranghaeyo, je taime, aishiteru, saya cinta kamu, te amo.

Back to the topic, I remember a persuasive speech from my close friend in Kuantan. She talked about why you should love yourself. To be honest, her speech made me cry. Cuba tengok fizikal kita dari atas sampai bawah, perfect kan? Ada tangan, ada kaki, cukup sifat. So why nak insecure pulak? Bersyukurlah dengan apa yang kita ada, instead of focusing on what we don't have. This girl taught me that everyone is beautiful in their own way, nobody is perfect. Semua orang ada flaws, mana ada orang yang perfect from head to toe. All those Victoria Secret models pun tak perfect (walaupun aku rasa Miranda Kerr tu cantik sangat). This friend of mine is the one who would smack me, who would kick me, every time I complain about myself. She's harsh sometimes, but one thing that I like the most about her is, she's always honest. Kalau buruk dia cakap buruk, kalau cantik dia cakap cantik. Although kadang-kadang cara dia comment tu buat orang sentap, tapi I still appreciate segala benda yang dia cakap sebab dia tak tipu. 

Situasi 1:
Fatin: You know what? I'm so dark, macam mana nak jadi putih eh?
Shaff: If you kata you dark, I ni apa? Anak India mana? Eeee perempuan ni, aku tak tau lagi nak cakap macam mana nak bagi dia faham.

Situasi 2:
Fatin: Just tell me the truth, I know that this dress doesn't look good on me. Shaff cakap betul-betul, there's no need to hide anything. I'm so ugly kan? Baju ni dah lawa but then bila Fatin pakai terus jadi buruk.
Shaff: OH MY GOSH, I'm going to kill you. Sayang, trust me, you look beautiful. The only thing that makes you look ugly in that dress is that inner (I was wearing a black inner that time) because it doesn't match that dress. Find another inner, skin colour or cream perhaps. Mesti cantik nanti.
Fatin: Tapi tengok orang lain pakai dress Shaff, cantik gila okay. I ni dah lah pendek...
Shaff: Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku, I tak tahu macam mana lagi nak cakap dengan you! Kau ni mengada lah perempuan. Memang, memang kau lah yang paling buruk dalam dunia ni. Gedik lah Fatin ni. Stress aku layan manusia macam ni. Dah, malas nak layan. Bye. 

Situasi 3:
Fatin: Macam mana nak jadi cantik eh?
Shaff: Hah?
Fatin: I asked you, macam mana nak jadi cantik?
Shaff: Lagi sekali you tanya I that question, I swear to God I'm going to punch you in the face. Menyampah betul lah orang yang tak reti nak bersyukur ni.
Fatin: But... but... I tak cakap apa-apa pun. I was just asking...
Shaff: Dah diam, tak payah cakap apa-apa.
Fatin: Okayyyyyyy. *sedih jap*

 Shaff :)

And then, there's my roommates; yang terpaksa menadah telinga mendengar bebelan aku mengenai this and that setiap masa. Sometimes if aku tukar cara aku lilit shawl, I would ask them whether aku nampak okay ke sebaliknya. Sometimes aku rasa cara aku lilit tu pelik, but then they told me that I look fine.
The most understanding, funny and coolest roomates ever!

Fatin: Korang, okay tak? Macam pelik je bahagian depan ni.
Wanie: Okay. Serious okay.
Nadia: Comelnyaaaa! Pakai macam ni pergi class hari-hari lah.
Fatin: Tapi tengok bahagian depan ni, macam pelik. Pastu muka aku nampak macam lagi bulat from usual.
Wanie: Okaylah Fatin, betul. Kau tak percaya kat kitaorang ke? Takkan lah kitaorang nak biar kau jalan buruk-buruk kat campus.
Nadia: Tahu takpe.
Suhaila: Fuyooohhhh, Fatin blogger weh! Blogger famous weh, blogger famous.
Fatin: Hah, blogger?
Suhaila: Yelah, semua blogger famous kan pakai shawl lilit-lilit. Nampak ah keblogger-an kau tu.
Wanie: Hahahahahahahaha, siot punya Suhaila.


Alhamdulillah, I'm surrounded by these awesome people around me. They make me feel real, they make me feel confident about my physical appearance. Memanglah susah nak buang the insecurities hundred percent, tapi I know I should try. Like what Shaff said, everyone is beautiful in their own way. Tak ada sesiapa pun dalam dunia ni yang tak cantik. Chin up, be confident about yourself. Confidence is sexy ;)


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Fatin Hanani Adnan


I don't know about you, but I'm feeling 22.
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