I know this entry is going to be an emotional and a long one. I hesitated, tak tau whether I should continue writing or not but then again, I thought, why not?
It has been a year and a half since atuk left us all. He left nenek, his 12 children and his 25 grandchildren. Dah setahun lebih, tapi sampai sekarang aku tak percaya yang atuk tak ada. I still remember clearly, what happened a year ago, when I received that shocking phone call from ayah.
I was playing with my phone in the living room dekat Shah Alam, when I received a phone call from ayah, lebih kurang dalam pukul 4.30pm. I didn't suspect anything. I thought it was just an ordinary call, mesti ayah nak inform aku yang ayah dah bank in duit belanja or something like that. Or maybe ayah wanted to discuss some urgent 'car stuffs' with me, since I really don't know anything about cars except for driving them. I took that phone call, dengan senang hatinya.
I knew something was wrong bila aku dengar suara ayah but I really didn't know what it was because my dad was so calm. I swear to God he was very very calm when he spoke to me on the phone.
"Along, be strong."
I knew something was not right but memang tak terfikir apa-apa pun masa tu.
"Along boleh drive balik Kajang sekarang tak? Atuk dah tak ada."
Right at that moment, aku rasa macam langit betul-betul runtuh atas kepala. Kepala aku berpusing, I was speechless. Dada aku rasa sempit, aku memang tak boleh fikir at all. I didn't say anything sebab aku masih tak boleh brain apa yang ayah baru cakap.
It hit me suddenly that my grandfather was no longer here. Atuk dah tak ada. Masa tu baru lah aku start menangis and dua tiga kali aku tanya ayah, betul ke apa yang aku baru dengar. Ayah asked me to stop crying and be strong. He added that it was atuk's time to go because Allah loves him more and setiap manusia atas muka bumi ni adalah pinjaman daripada Allah SWT. Of course, that didn't help. I couldn't stop crying and apa yang terbayang dalam kepala aku masa tu was just atuk and atuk alone. His smile, his voice, his face, how it felt when he kissed my forehead, his advises. Semua atuk. And I cried even harder.
Hani was in the room when I received the phone call and she came out to check when she heard me cry. She asked me what was wrong. I told her "Atuk Fatin dah tak ada...". She hugged me tight, trying to console me with her words. Aku tak boleh fikir apa-apa masa tu. I didn't know what to do. All I wanted to do was pergi 'jumpa' atuk at that time jugak. Hani then asked me to take a bath, and change into baju kurung. She also told me that she will be driving me to Kajang. I told her I can drive and I don't want to trouble her tapi Hani insisted on driving me there.
Imagine going through the traffic in Federal Highway at 5.30pm. Imagine getting stuck in the jam when you need to be at a place as soon as possible. Imagine how I felt. I don't think there are suitable words to describe how I felt back then.
Arrived in Kajang after maghrib, around 8.15pm. Rumah atuk ramai orang. When I arrived, aku tak cari orang lain. I didn't look for my mum and dad, I didn't look for my grandmother. Aku cari atuk dulu; orang yang pertama aku cari setiap kali datang rumah atuk. I was among the last grandchildren to arrive because all my cousins live nearby and I was the only one from Shah Alam. Ibu and ayah pun dah sampai lama, because the distance from my house in Cheras to my grandfather's house in Kajang is just 20 minutes drive.
I then saw atuk. He was lying on a mattress in the living room. His body was covered with kain pelikat and his face was covered with a white tudung. I didn't know who it was, but I heard someone asking people to make way for me.
"Tepi sikit, tepi sikit. Ni cucu arwah. Bagi dia tengok atuk dia."
I walked to atuk's direction and duduk betul-betul dekat sebelah muka dia. The pakcik that asked people to make way for me to lalu, sat next to me. He asked, "Nak tengok muka atuk tak?". I nodded. I knew I was not strong enough, but I nodded anyway. When I looked at atuk's face, I cried again. I cried because I can't believe that he's gone. I cried because that night, I miss him more than ever.
I took the book of Yassin, and started to recite the surah. There were a few times where I found it difficult to continue my recitation because I was sobbing hard. There were times where I couldn't hear my own voice. There were also times when I found it difficult to breathe. When I was reciting the surah, aku boleh rasa someone usap belakang aku. It was my mum. I didn't realize when she sat next to me, aku tak sedar pun bila ibu start baca Yassin untuk atuk sebelah aku. Aku sedar ibu dekat ada dekat sebelah bila aku rasa tangan ibu dekat belakang badan aku. It was amazing. I think it was really amazing how ibu gave me strength to face all this just by caressing my back. Lepas aku tahu, yang ibu ada sebelah aku, I stopped crying and continued to recite the surah smoothly.
I can't remember how many times aku baca Yassin that night, apa yang aku tahu, aku nak atuk dengar ayat suci Al-Quran setiap masa sebab atuk memang suka ayat-ayat Quran. My grandfather was a very pious man, he was an ustaz dalam the neighbourhood, selalu ubat orang before he was sick. My grandfather was the kindest person I've ever met on Earth. Lemah lembut bila bercakap, tak pernah langsung marah or tinggikan suara dekat orang lain. My late grandfather's name is Mohamad bin Buntir and looking at his peribadi, I am sure that the name 'Mohamad' suits him very well. I also can't remember how long I cried tapi ada satu benda yang aku pasti. That day was the saddest day of my life.
Arwah atuk memang someone yang suka dengar ayat Al-Quran. Banyak kali arwah atuk panggil kitaorang anak beranak datang rumah dia untuk baca Yassin, baca Quran and then solat jemaah ramai-ramai. According to him, rumah suram if tak ada ayat Quran. Alhamdulillah, Allah SWT granted his wish, malam atuk meninggal. Atuk passed away during Asar and rumah atuk memang tak berhenti-henti orang melawat daripada lepas dia meninggal, sampai lah ke sebelum jenazah atuk dibawa ke masjid untuk dimandikan, dikafankan and ditanamkan at 10am the next morning. Orang tak berhenti-henti datang rumah. Even at two and three in the morning pun still ramai orang yang datang melawat. Setiap orang yang datang pulak mesti baca Yassin. Alhamdulillah, memang tak berhenti alunan Yassin dekat rumah malam tu. I was down, tapi aku tetap tenang sebab aku tahu atuk must be happy to see all that.
It was a very easy process, daripada nak cari van jenazah, sampailah nak tanam jenazah atuk. It was a gloomy morning. Mendung. Around 9am, the people from the masjid started to datang and angkat atuk bawak masuk dalam van jenazah. I cried again then, seeing him leaving his house for one last time.
I cried from dalam kereta sampailah ke dalam masjid. Ibu then tegur-ed me, saying that I shouldn't cry dah sebab it would hurt atuk to see me like that. Ibu pesan jugak yang I shouldn't let my tears kena atuk's face when I kissed him for the final time, lepas jenazah dikafankan and disembahyangkan. I said nothing to ibu because I knew I couldn't control my tears, but I prayed hard, I prayed to Allah to ease everything for me. I asked Him to make me stronger in every way. I told Him I really want to kiss my grandfather for the last time, and please please please ease everything for me, for my grandmother, for my uncles and aunties, for my cousins.
The time has finally come. The imam of the masjid gave us the permission to kiss atuk and bukak kain kapan yang tutup muka atuk. I was crying the whole time bila my cousins sorang-sorang cium jenazah atuk. I didn't think I can do it. I didn't think I can control my tears. I didn't want to hurt the jenazah but I really really want to kiss him. I waited for my turn and my tears stopped right when I sat next to the jenazah. I didn't cry at all when I saw atuk's face for the last time. My grandfather's face was glowing, literally glowing dalam kain putih yang balut his whole body. He looked so calm and he looked like he was sleeping. He looked like he was going to wake up if I touched his hand to wake him up. He looked like he was still alive. Really. I then kissed his forehead and both of his cheek. To my surprise, I didn't cry at all. I was stronger when I kissed him for the last time and I felt at ease, seeing atuk the way he was.
Honestly speaking, it was hard writing this entry. It was tough, remembering the moment when atuk left us all. It was hard to live without him. It felt weird, not seeing him whenever I visit my grandmother. Up until now, I can still see the image of my grandfather smiling at me, whenever I entered the house and salam his hand. I can still feel the warmth of his thin body whenever he hugged me. I can still feel the presence of my late grandfather with me, no matter where I go.
"Belajar rajin-rajin cucu atuk ya? Tolong ibu, tolong ayah. Kalau kaklong berjaya, atuk senang hati. Kalau cucu-cucu atuk semuanya berjaya, atuk bersyukur sangat dekat Allah. Belajar rajin-rajin."
Believe it or not, daripada aku kecik sampailah umur aku 20 tahun, atuk akan cakap ayat yang sama dekat aku masa aku salam tangan dia sebelum balik rumah. The same exact sentence. And I bet he said the same thing to my cousins as well. Atuk selalu kata yang he didn't want anything else except for seeing us all, his children and grandchildren to be successful in life.
It has been a year and a half since you returned to our Creator, atuk, but the memories of growing up with you by my side, supporting me no matter what and when, always telling me that you were proud of me, are still very fresh in my memory. I don't think I'll be able to forget them all my life, even when I have a husband and my own kids in the future. Your spirit, your smile, your positive attitude and all your advises will always be a part of me no matter where I go.
Today, as I'm writing this, I miss you more than ever.